Moments In My Journey Series Part 1

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Moments In My Journey Series Part 1

“I don’t know. I just don’t know!! Do I have to repeat myself again? I. Just. DON’T. KNOW.” I screamed.

Michael, my husband, had been trying to get to the bottom of why I was feeling depressed. Again.

I got in a fetal position under the blanket and quietly said…

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My daughter is my mirror

My daughter is my biggest teacher right now.

I’ve been feeling triggered left, right and center on a daily basis lately. There’s SO many emotions coming from that little body. It’s pretty much impossible to rationalize with her. The silliest things send me into confusion and anger.

At the end of the day, the biggest and most humbling thing is: she reminds me of a part of myself.

>> She’s literally mirroring my deepest emotional wounds. <<

I’m REALLY glad I have this awareness.

That everything she’s doing that triggers me...is actually something within me that needs healing.

It’s really not about her, at all, you see.

(I think sometimes we get caught up in thinking “something is wrong with my kid” so we can avoid taking responsibility over our own shit)

It’s about me. And how I see the world. How I think of myself. How I use language. How I use silence.

Everything!

She’s the perfect mirror.

She shows me what needs healing and dials it up to its highest volume.

This is where inner child work comes in for me.

I spend time intentionally remembering my younger self...how she felt in different situations, how she decided the world operated, how she coped with pain.

And I get to ask her what she needs most from me.

And it's so clear.

She just wants to be seen. Heard. Validated. Protected. Hugged.

And I get to give that to her now.

Giving my own inner child what she needs most, leaves my evolved self feeling more whole.

When I feel whole, I show up so differently for my daughter.

I am able to see that she just wants to be seen and heard, too.

Not wronged, not judged, not laughed at, not ignored.

It really is amazing what happens to my parenting, when I’ve intentionally parented my own inner child first.

Does that make sense?

I don't have this down perfectly yet (obviously...probably never will) but it's making a difference to look within myself first.

<3
Let me know what you think about all this below 🔽

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Moments in Presence

Moments of mmmm 😌😌😌 the last little while:

Sleeping with the window open
Pulling fat wool socks over clean feet
Blowing out a palo santo fire
Shaking my hair out of a ponytail
Catching my newly walking baby as he falls into my arms
Tears breaking through after deep breaths
Sharing chocolate with my daughter
The smell of rain in the desert
Closing the kids door after bedtime
Running my tongue over clean teeth
Placing my hands over my heart with eyes closed
Barefoot walking in the grass

What about you? What moments make you go mmmmm? ✨✨✨

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Be in the eye, walk into the room

There’s a certain calm that can be found
Inside my Fear
Like a tornado and it’s eye
There is discomfort to get in-
A discomfort that is unknown
And then when I am in, I am calm
It tramples me, the tornado, when I am out
And I may run, and I may hide
But I don’t want to live like that
I want to lean in
And be in the eye
Where I can see that it is indeed
All working out for me
That my desires have been the ultimate guide all along
I have found that Fear is a room
That only needs stepping into
And inside you find that it is empty
Gloriously, mercifully, empty
-created by me last night ✨

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2018: Lean in and be seen

When I was 8 years old (ish), I auditioned for this musical and got a part. I went to rehearsals for a few months and the show was around the corner. I vividly remember during one of the rehearsals (I think it was the last one before the show), I felt this intense fear throughout my body. I ran to my mom, crying. “I can’t do it, Mommy. I can’t do it.” I ended up dropping out.

I did piano lessons growing up. Every time it was time to perform, my hands would shake so badly, I wouldn’t be able to get through my songs. I ended up quitting my piano lessons at age 16.

And then there was dance.

I had to perform every year with my studio from age 7 to age 17.

Every single time, my body would shake SO badly. It was rare for me to feel like my performance was authentic to my ability.

Literally on the DAY of my LAST high school dance performance, I felt that same INTENSE fear run through my body that happened when I was eight. I ended up calling my mom again, in the bathroom stall, crying. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I ended up in the principal's office with my dance teacher, trying to explain to them that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had lots of logical reasons at the time to back it up. But ultimately, the truth was that I just couldn’t get up there and it was completely illogical.

I felt so bad.

And then I spent nearly the next decade avoiding stages as much as I could.

I didn’t audition for college dance teams. I didn’t sign up for extracurricular activities.

I took on the identity of "smart girl," went to my physiology classes, did my very best, and felt happy with the A+.

I completely forgot that this intense fear existed within me…

Until this last year, while I've been creating my coaching business, Wild Air Coaching.

Now, I know it’s the FEAR OF BEING SEEN...which is routed in a deep FEAR OF BEING REJECTED/JUDGED...which, if we go even deeper, is a FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH.

I have been facing this fear HEAD ON this last year...and it’s been a WILD ride.

I kind of imagine this last year like I was a turtle...poking my head out for a little while saying “hey guys! I’m here!” only to freak out and pop my head back under my shell, until I built the courage to poke out again. Haha!

Kind of funny but also accurate.

These days, I have the awareness around this fear and the knowledge of how to move through it (thanks to the cert program I'm doing with Hungry For Happiness!).

For me, this fear is overcome by LEANING IN to it as SOON as it comes up.

And to me, LEANING IN means getting curious about it, sitting with it, listening to it, accepting it, loving it.

Not ignoring it, denying it, fighting it or hating it.

So, four days into this new year and I’ve finally discovered clarity around what I want my theme to be this year.

LEAN IN AND BE SEEN.

Yes. Feels right.

What about you? What kind of fears do you have that literally cause your whole body to run and hide? What would happen if you leaned in?

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You are safe, heard, seen, loved.

You know what I think?
I think we all just crave to feel safe.
To be where we are, who we are, as we are.
But we get caught up...so crazily caught up.
We pick ourselves apart (before someone else will).
We compare ourselves to each other (a kind of insanity).
I mean, come on, we never REALLY know that person’s FULL story.
So, when you notice yourself doing these things...
Drop in to your heart.
Try to see the beauty only you hold.
Let yourself be.
Give yourself the feeling of being safe.
If you don’t know how yet, I’ll hold the space for you for now. Hear this...
You are safe, heard, seen, loved.
I know that in my bones.
Can’t wait until you know it, too. ✨♥️

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I just want to be free

I just want to be free
It’s game over for me
I’m done playing these mind games
Of how I can look good
Of how I can blow you away
And maybe hear the words
“Oh, how amazing you are”
While still making you feel safe
These are chains, these games
They keep my soul quiet
And locked in
I just want to be free
I want to feel music
Not hear it, not think about it, not talk about it
Feel it!
I want to allow my body to move in whichever way it pleases
I want to Be. Here. Now.
My internal focus on my insides alone
I want to sway, flap, close my eyes
Smile without trying
I want to express with ease
No middle men in between
I want to share
From my heart straight to yours
No middle men in between, please!
So breathe
Connect to your heart space
And just be
With me

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On Self Sabotage

Self sabotage is a very real thing, ya’ll.

I’ve been navigating the space of self sabotage in my business all year.

It happens when I start to create results I’ve never created before.

I start coming up with really convenient reasons on why I can’t keep going, or I’ll have a rush of strong (really strong) emotions take me out of the game.

And then I’ll come to a sort of painful “plateau” for a while or it will even feel like I take three steps backwards.

And my conditioning has taught me to play victim...to say “what did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me? What’s wrong with me?”

Which I think we can agree, for obvious reasons, that this way of approaching self sabotage isn’t exactly helpful. Haha!

But I’m learning.

I’m becoming more and more aware of when self sabotage is kicking in and catching it in the early stages instead of much later.

I’m learning that, when it comes down to it, self sabotage has EVERYTHING to do with my sense of self worth or what I believe I deserve AND my ability to hold space for and feel my emotions.

For a long time, this awareness was completely hidden from my view.

In my dieting days, I didn’t even know that when I “fell on and off the wagon,” what was happening was even CALLED self sabotage.

Being able to address the root cause and have more awareness around when I’m self sabotaging has made ALL the difference for me.

When do you find yourself self sabotaging? I wanna know!

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